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November 9, 2006

America, Land of the Pee

I am rapidly becoming one of those crazy old ladies that yells out "This is America!" at every turn. I know this because I want to shout this at panhandlers, kids who want me to buy candy outside Sav-On, people who want to discuss religion with me on my doorstep, and my neighbor across the street, who shall be henceforth known as "Wee Willie Winkie."

Let me explain: "This is America!" is shorthand for "I'm Free! I don't have to buy your candy, give you money, or follow your religion!" As the child of first-generation immigrants and grandparents who survived the Armenian holocaust, this declaration of independence is nothing short of patriotic, an anthemic glorification of rights.

Lately it has come to mean more.

While folding clothes one evening in my bedroom, which faces north, by the way, I witnessed my elderly (60-ish) Filipino neighbor open his garage, back out his Mercedes (it seems important that I identify the car here), and then close the garage. As if in afterthought, he exited the car, walked to the side gate separating his yard from the street, and lifting the leg of his shorts PEED ALL OVER THE SIDE OF HIS HOUSE!

And while doing so, he sort of looked around, as if to see if anyone had observed him. Which I did.

Now, we live on a busy street. There are cars driving up and down all the time. Our street is crossed by another street that bisects two large avenues which feed onto the freeway. There are a school and a park at the end of the street, and although it was Saturday, there is always a lot of traffic coming and going to the schoolyard and park, which are used for adult softball. Really. What was he thinking?

And my response? I wanted to run to the window and yell, "Hey, this is AMERICA!" Which in this case would have been shorthand for, "We don't pee in the street like dogs, we don't pee on our $750,000 houses, we don't live in a Third World country, you pig! My ancestors fought to get here so I wouldn't have to see some guy peeing on the side of a house!" Which is not very patriotic, but you get my drift.

I was raised with really strict manners and no where was I ever taught to pee on the side of your house when you are five feet away from the door of your own home which presumably has working plumbing. Really. I've also been taking some classes in conflict resolution and how to Conduct Tough Conversations. One of the first things they teach you is not to jump to conclusions, in other words to "Master Your Stories" and find out objectively why someone has done what they did without accusing them of ill intention. So, I tried to think about why someone would pee on the side of their own house. Maybe he has prostate cancer, maybe he's incontinent, maybe he's in a big hurry, maybe his plumbing is broken. MAYBE HE'S A TOTAL PIG.

Maybe his parents or he himself came to this country and worked hard to buy a suburban house just so he could pee on the side of it whenever he wanted. Hey, this is America, Land of the Pee. My Country Tis of Pee, Of Pee I Sing.

Posted by DJWanda at November 9, 2006 10:29 PM