Um. Hello? Hello? Anybody there? Anyone who didn't think seeing When a Stranger Calls was a good idea last weekend? Anyone with half a brain? I'm only asking for half? Anyone who is completely turned off by the releases this weekend and logging onto Netflix?
Hello? Doesn't anybody give a damn that there aren't ANY good movies to see this weekend?!!!!
1) Brokeback Mountain (for those of you not in fear of losing your heterosexuality, it was wonderful)
2) Walk the Line (I shouldn't have to explain this)
3) Underworld: Evolution (I'm still a sucker for chicks who kick ass)
Yes, I know they're not new. That's the point. I have to go cry now.
Firewall
Okay Han Solo, we get it. You're still a virile heroic figure even though you are clearly hitting the edge of "Aged But Still Sexy" and beginning to cross over into "Just Plain Old" territory. You, your immense computer security building brain, and your powerful (expensive, and gas guzzling) Chrysler are completely capable of saving the day from those totally hot young bad guys.
Can we go home now? Can I take one of the evil youngsters with me?
Final Destination 3
I can't believe they're churning this out again. Here's the plot - a young good-looking teenager sees his/her own death in a vision, and "cheats" Death. This really pisses Death off. Death is apparently like my mother and would rather eat glass than get cheated.
But here's the thing that bothers me, the whole concept of cheating death is just a bunch of bunk. I mean it's impossible to cheat death. Either you die young and pretty and much too soon, or you die old and spent and in a slow painful kind of way, or it's somewhere in between, but either way, you die. He's either going to get you full price or on sale, but the bottom line is - he's going to get you. Just like my mother and that Calvin Kline blouse.
The Pink Panther
Who on Earth thought this was a good idea? You like Steve Martin? Go see Shop Girl. This is just embarrassing.
Curious George
The only way to see this movie is if your children force you at gunpoint. Voluntary viewings will be met with obvious brain shrinkage.
Neil Young: Heart of Gold
A documentary about Neil Young playing in Nashville. It makes me sleepy just thinking about it.
London
A young going nowhere drug dealer/junkie finds out that the love of his life is moving to LA. Time to straighten up and get your act together, right? Wrong. According to this genius it's time to score a massive quantity of cocaine and crash her going away party.
Let the idiocy begin!