Sorry I missed you last week. I got caught up cooking dinner. I wish it had been something far more monumental, like a date or something involving international espionage (I love international espionage), but it was just dinner. I am so lame.

The Alamo
A friend of mine asked me not to ruin the ending. He said, "I know there's a miracle, but I can't remember what it was." The really sad part is the fact that he holds the same postgraduate degree I have. In one sentence, he completely devalued my entire education.
I just hope I didn't ruin the ending of The Passion for him.

Johnson Family Vacation
They're like the Griswolds, only ghetto.

Ella Enchanted
This is a mildly tweaked fairly tale about a girl who was given the gift of obedience. She obviously did not grow up with my mother. Wish lists, never anything not on sale, and gift receipts, gift receipts, gift receipts.
P.S. I'm listed on Amazon.

The Girl Next Door
A porn star moves in next door to a barely post-pubescent male. It's every boy's wet dream come true!

The Whole Ten Yards
The hit man and the dentist are back and I don't think the writers even bothered to change the plot.

I'm Not Scared
Set in rural Italy, a young boy discovers the remnants of a dastardly criminal plot that involved his entire town.
If you can stand the subtitles, it's the best release this week.

Twenty-Nine Palms
A photographer takes his French girlfriend on a scouting trip in the desert. They screw like bunnies and have unfortunate encounters with the local residents.
It's a French film, and much like escargot, you'll start off feeling exotic and daring, but then you'll just end up hanging your head over the toilet.